


Some Things You Can't Control

by Sleprhq



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Kageyama Tobio, FTM Nishinoya Yuu, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Minor Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Nishinoya Yuu & Tanaka Ryuunosuke are Bros, Nishinoya Yuu-centric, Not Beta Read, Protective Karasuno Volleyball Club, Tanaka Ryuunosuke is a Good Friend, Team Dad Sawamura Daichi, Trans Character, Trans Nishinoya Yuu, kind of not really, the club is very supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27369676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleprhq/pseuds/Sleprhq
Summary: There's a reason Noya doesn't like his height being compared to the rest of the team. Hinata is curious as to why. As time comes, they receive more clues until the fact is finally given to them.or:dysphoria is an ass and im projecting my feelings because fuck you biology
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Nishinoya Yuu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 162





	Some Things You Can't Control

**Author's Note:**

> lol dysphoria

Nishinoya never liked his height being tossed around in a conversation as a joke, or even a topic at all. No matter who, no matter when, why, where, he never seems to take it lightly when people bring up his height. He becomes defensive and, as if he were a dog, he'd start barking. It was almost the same reaction he'd give when somebody was flirting with Kiyoko. But, with this one, it seemed to have more backstory to it.

Hinata couldn't help but be curious, as the new, first-year student he was. At first, Shouyou was glad somebody was _finally_ shorter than him. And he understood his reaction because he was called "shrimpy" and "tiny ass" by his old classmates. He didn't like it when people rubbed it in that he was short as if he hadn't known that already, so he just let it slip.

But, unlike Shouyou, Nishinoya seems to get really agitated and defensive when anybody calls him short - well, sure, Hinata does too, but not to the extent of Nishinoya. The libero wouldn't even take it as a joke or as a way to encourage him. To Noya, being called short was like a personal attack - which it was. But, again, Shouyou didn't know why.

He knows that the 2nd year student doesn't owe him any explanations, but he couldn't help but still wonder. Even in practices, he'd spend a minute or two to guess.

"Boke!" Kageyama yelled as the volleyball smacked Hinata in the face, finally catching his attention and knocking him off of his feet. The orange-haired boy yelped in pain. "A-aa! What kind of toss was that?!" He yelled from the floor, barely getting his head up just to look at his rival/teammate.

Oh. Nishinoya was standing beside him. Damn. He's _really_ short. Especially next to Kageyama.

"Hinata, your nose is bleeding!" Noya pointed out while laughing, smacking Kageyama on the shoulder rather harshly, pushing the younger a bit to the floor. Oh, so that's why his nose was warm and fuzzy.

"Kageyama!" Hinata yelled, getting up with both his hands around his nose. "You did this on purpose, didn't you?!"

"What??" the taller boy asked. "No, I didn't, _boke_! You weren't paying attention!"

Ah, there it was. Their daily dose of squabbling like chickens. Or, should they say, crows?

"If you already knew that, why'd you hit so hard?!" "Haa?? I didn't hit it hard at all! You're just weak, you dumbass!" "E-eh?!" Hinata yelped, furrowing his eyebrows. "No, I'm not! I was just thinking about things!"

" _Thinking?_ I never knew your brain did that." That was Tsukki, calmly teasing the spiker from the side.

"Hey! I was just distracted by Ni-"

"Hinata, Kageyama, Tsukki! Stop fighting!" Daichi scolded, entering the scene.

And, yet again, the thought managed to slip by Hinata. He continued the rest of the practice without thinking about his libero's height.

* * *

Hinata knew that sometimes, the third and second years often came earlier than Tobio and he would. Well, everyone knew that Tobio and Hinata always got to the club at the same time, running against each other. The third-years found it unnecessary, but it increased their stamina so there was nothing for them to complain about.

Though, this one time, he decided to play smart and got there before Tobio did! There! He won the race!

As he slowly took off his shoes, he heard his upperclassmen chattering inside.

"Today's a no-speak day?" Asahi asked softly. Hinata looked up to see who he was speaking to - Nishinoya.

The libero smiled thankfully and nodded.

_No-speak day? What the hell was that?_ Hinata wondered, tilting his head in confusion. He entered the room, the sounds of his shoes alarming his upperclassmen. He couldn't keep his curious mouth from asking. "What's a _no-speak day_?"

"Oh, uh," Tanaka looked over at Nishinoya, who simply shrugged and shook his head.

Hinata was a dumbass - I mean, he of all people should know that after hearing Kageyama yell _"Boke!"_ for the thousandth time - but it didn't take much brainpower to understand what a no-speak day was after the interaction. I mean, it was in the _name_ , but he was still curious.

"Ohh, I get it! So you're not gonna speak today?" Hinata asked, frowning a bit afterward. The libero blinked at his underclassman and merely smiled while shaking his head.

The orange-haired boy hummed. "Why though?" He asked, tilting his head.

_'God. This dumbass. Doesn't he know there are some things you don't need to know?'_ Tanaka thought inwardly, face-palming.

Suga was quick to reply. "He's, er, a bit too tired to speak right now," he answered, smiling patiently.

The most the libero could offer was a nod, accompanied by a thumbs-up.

See, to everyone in, aside from Hinata, in the room, a " _no-speak_ day" was something that they can use casually if a situation like this occurs. It's a simple phrase and it means exactly what it says, but it's vague and ominous enough that not many people would understand why or what it was all about.

Nishinoya only had no-speak days when he was feeling rather dysphoric about his voice. All his friends would sympathize with him, but he'd shrug them off with a smile. According to Noya, the only way to get over dysphoria is by going through it first. _"It's like a video game," he'd said. "You're stuck on one level so you keep on trying by playing the same level over and over again until you can beat it."_

But, since Hinata doesn't know of Nishinoya's current condition, they had to cover it up. Usually, nobody actually asks _why_ they have this day, just what it was about.

Hinata seemed to shrug the topic off and walked towards Nishinoya with a smug-looking smile on his face.

"Why do you always look like that when you're standing beside him," Asahi asked with a confused smile. Nishinoya blinked at the orange-haired boy as he replied. "I just feel kind of taller."

Oh geez. Hinata doesn't know how much that affected him, seeming that he was already dealing with some dysphoric thoughts. Nishinoya looked kind of hurt by the comment, but just shook his head with a smile. His friends would've punched Hinata if they didn't know that the first-year doesn't know.

"Well, anyway," Daichi started, coughing. "Let's just all wait for the rest to come, alright? Uh, by the way, Shouyou, where's Kageyama? Isn't he always with you?"

Yet again, the libero's height slipped past his mind.

* * *

To be honest, Nishinoya wasn't _scared_ of coming out. Not really. He's already seen the worst possible outcome before, courtesy of his transphobic parents, so he's not necessarily scared of anyone else's reaction. Because no matter their reaction, he's still a guy. That's what his supportive, loving grandfather had told him.

A lot of people who didn't know Nishinoya personally would assume that he was one of those _tough and manly_ boys - and, really, he was kind of flattered. The main reason he's like this was, because, growing up, he was constantly told _"That's not how boys do this", "Boys don't act like that", "Boys are supposed to be like this"_ courtesy of his semi-transphobic kindergarten and elementary school.

He got the basic image of what a boy was supposed to be in the eyes of society. Boys were supposed to like sports - check, he had gotten into volleyball. Boys were supposed to be loud and reckless - check, he's always been that way. Boys were supposed to be brave - check, he does a lot of things nowadays. Boys were supposed to be muscular and lean - check, it took him a while to build up his muscles. Boys were supposed to have short hair - check, he got his grandpa to cut it for him.

but there were somethings that just couldn't be helped. Genes were genes and they didn't care if you were a boy, a girl, or neither.

Boys are supposed to be tall. Boys were supposed to have deep voices.

And, well, he didn't have enough testosterone in his body for that to check up.

But, after meeting his friends, he knew all those things were just a list of requirements to pass as a boy, that society made. He didn't owe society anything, and he certainly didn't owe having to prove his gender. He was glad he had his friends to tell him that, to reassure him that being a guy wasn't about following the stereotypes. I mean, his friends certainly didn't follow the gender role and stereotype that society had made.

Asahi may be tall and muscular, but they say men are supposed to be loud and ruthless. Asahi was anything but that. He was soft and kind, especially to Noya.

Sugawara didn't have the ideal rough and deep voice people think men are supposed to have.

Daichi wasn't all that loud or rowdy. He was a collected and calm person.

And they showed Nishinoya that gender isn't what people see, but it's what he identifies as. He should not care what one may say about his gender. Of course, that didn't make his dysphoria leave him or something, but he's gained more confidence in his masculinity and gender orientation.

So, no. He wasn't scared of coming out. He wasn't scared of their reaction or their opinions.

Honestly, he doesn't know why he can't just tell the entire team that he's trans. I guess there was still apart of him that was ashamed of the fact, embarrassed that he was not a cis-gendered-male like everyone else was.

But he was fine.

He'd be even better if he could just grow a few more fucking inches though.

* * *

Nishinoya had come into practice pretty snappy. He glared at everyone in the room, eyes only slightly softening at his boyfriend, but he definitely looked mad about something. The first-years had noticed that this was a monthly reoccurrence, and hadn't really cared enough to comment on it. I mean, everyone has their bad days, right?

But as practice went on, the snappy libero was starting to get on Kageyama's nerves. He didn't like being yelled at - hypocritical, he knows. But it was only fair.

"Oi, shut up!" The first-year yelled, throwing the ball out of the court. "What's your problem?! Are you on your period or something?!"

The room stilled in silence. The upper-classmen shrunk from where they stood, glancing at their short friend, who seemed to be stunned in place. They heard Yamaguchi and Tsukiyama snicker from the side.

Tanaka would snap their neck if they had known. Everyone would. Even Asahi - sweet, calm, kind Asahi.

"Some things just can't be helped," Noya mumbled his response, the tears in his eyes glimmering slightly in everyone's view. And before anyone could say anything, the libero had already run out of the room, Asahi quickly following him behind.

Kageyama's eyes were wide as saucers.

One of the few things that he had admired of Nishinoya is his ability to always smile and stay strong in any situation. If the team was in a difficult place, Nishinoya would be the first one to try and cheer them up - by a speech or even just a smile, it'd always work. Nishinoya barely ever cried - he's only ever seen him cry three times, and two of those times were because of Kiyoko, the other was when they made it to nationals, but even those tears were clearly out of joy.

So... what had he done to get that reaction?

Tanaka let out a near-feral growl as he approached the setter, seemingly about ready to pounce on the younger player. Daichi was quick to stop him, grabbing him from behind, despite being mad himself. The coach immediately interrupted the scene by blowing his whistle, walking to the middle of the court. The coach, of course, knew about Nishinoya's condition. He was the coach, after all, so he needed to know anything that may affect how a player plays.

"I-I'm so sorry," Tobio choked out, looking at the floor. Everyone in the room was even more stunned by that. _The_ Kageyama Tobio was apologizing? For something, he did wrong? He recognized it??

The coach tilted his head slightly, grimacing. "There's nothing you can really do about that. Maybe apologize to Nishinoya when he comes back. For now, let's take a break."

Nobody really wanted to speak with how tense the room was. Even their two managers were quiet.

_"Some things just can't be helped"... what does that mean??_

Kageyama couldn't help but wonder about it. Well, he's never seen Nishinoya cry out of anger or sadness. This was all new to him, so he at least wanted to know his mistake so he won't repeat it. Seeing their libero cry was probably the scariest and saddest thing Kageyama's ever experienced.

Shouyou who sat next to him was silent. The orange-haired boy seemed to also be lost in thought.

Kageyama wanted to ask. He wanted to apologize but... it felt like, if he spoke, everything would become worse.

"Um... What did... Nishinoya-senpai mean?" Hinata asked, twiddling with his fingers nervously. Everyone in the room turned towards the spiker, who shrunk a bit. Suga sighed, not even bothering to form a smile. "It's not my place to tell. He'll tell you if he wishes."

_"Some things just can't be helped"... What? a period joke...?_

Kageyama continued to ponder in his own thoughts.

The coach decided to let everyone go home early.

* * *

The next day was awkward as hell. Tobio was tense the entire day. He was _not_ looking forward to his club. Maybe he should just skip - No, maybe he should just quit the club or something. He's too socially inept to deal with a situation involving emotions.

The day went by so fast. All of a sudden, it was time for his club. He was still boring holes into the floor with his stare.

A knock brought him back to reality.

Who-

Nishinoya.

"E-eh! N-Nishinoya-senpai! I-I am _so_ sorry about yesterday-!" Kageyama frantically apologized, praying to anyone who might be up there and mayhaps somebody from below there to help.

"Hey, it's okay," Noya reassured, smiling slightly. "I'm sorry for being so snappy yesterday... Uhm, I feel like I owe you guys an explanation, at least. I was just wondering through the halls because... Ugh. I'm," he paused, grimacing. "I'm nervous," he muttered.

Oh shit. Nishinoya was _nervous_. Holy fuck. What had Kageyama done?

"Y-you don't owe me an explanation! Or anyone really! I-I should apologize to you! I can run 30 laps for you and do all your-"

Nishinoya looked taken aback by the sudden offer and he quickly flailed his arms in the air, shaking his head. "No need for that! I-It's fine! Besides, I'll _have_ to tell you this anyway. Even without whatever happened yesterday, I'd still have to tell you someday. Might as well do it when it's convenient."

Kageyama furrowing his brows but slowly got up from his seat and followed Nishinoya as they made their way towards the gym. Everyone was sat in a circle. The first-years looked absolutely mortified, and Kageyama can't help but feel like it was his fault. The upperclassmen only offered a supportive smile at the libero. It was Tanaka who looked really mad, glaring every so often at Kageyama.

Nishinoya squatted beside Asahi and Kageyama followed beside him.

The room was silent for a while. Nobody seemed to know how to break the tense atmosphere.

"U-um," Nishinoya started, bringing his face to his legs. "First of all, I just wanna say sorry for how... Ugh. How mad and pissy I was yesterday."

"You don't have to apologize for that," Asahi reassured, quietly caressing Nishinoya's back in an attempt to calm the younger down. The libero let out a deep breath. "And sorry for overreacting about the, uh... p-... period joke."

Everyone in the room waited patiently for the libero to continue, but he seemed way too nervous and scared to speak.

God fucking damn it, he _was_ scared of coming out.

"It's, Uhm... I-I just..." as Nishinoya stuttered, he brought his face closer towards his legs, hiding his face and muffling his words. " _mnadrensky_ ," he mumbled inaudibly.

Nobody could understand what he said. Though, of course, the second and third years knew what he was _trying_ to say.

The libero slowly brought his head up and looked at where Sugawara and Daichi sat. "Can..." he started, voice barely above a whisper. "Can you tell them...?"

It was then that they realized that the short guardian was literally shaking in fear, lips quivering in fear. Asahi rubbed his back softly, slowly dragging the smaller boy into a tiny, side hug.

"Alright," Daichi said, giving Noya an empathetic look. "Nishinoya has every right to have been offended by that joke. However, seeing that the joke was supposed to be harmless and that you didn't know of his current condition, this'll be excused. Next time you make a joke like this, I'll smack your face," the captain said, glaring at the entire room.

"So, Nishinoya is," he paused for a bit, only to make sure Nishinoya looked okay enough for him to continue. The libero certainly didn't look _good_ , he was still shaking, but he looked calm enough. "He's not... born a guy. Physically."

As he announced this, everyone noticed Nishinoya's flinch.

The room remained silent as they waited for the four first-years to say something. Kageyama immediately got up and frantically began bowing up and down. "I am so sorry?? I didn't know! I'm so sorry, Nishinoya-senpai! I promise I won't make those kinds of jokes anymore - oh my God, I'm so inconsiderate. Nishinoya-senpai, please force me to run 60 laps and kick me off the team-"

The room seemed to lighten up a bit when Nishinoya let out a small, soft laugh. "You don't have to... Your understanding is enough for me to forgive you."

"W-wha-?! But that's only human decency to understand people! Please, Nishinoya-senpai, I'll do anything," the setter said, determined to make it up for his bad joke.

"Hm," Nishinoya started, pretending to think. "Maybe if you buy me an ice cream," the libero thought out loud with a smile.

"I-I'll buy you ¥1000 worth of ice cream," Tobio insisted while Nishinoya only smiled fondly at his underclassman. The libero shrugged with that same smile, "Maybe you could buy ice cream for everyone here."

The room lit up like a Christmas tree.

There it was, the thing that Kageyama admired most about Nishinoya. The ability to make a situation better with just a few words and a smile.

And if he had to buy that many ice cream to keep this Noya, he'd gladly do it.

Hinata suddenly stood up from where he stood. "Oh my God, I am _so_ sorry, Nishinoya-senpai! I just realized I also made jokes about height and voice and... and other stuff you can't control! I-I'll buy double the amount of ice cream-!" "Eh?? Boke! Hinata, boke! I can buy triple the amount-!"

Ah. They were back to squabbling. And, for once, the team couldn't be happier.

* * *

As Nishinoya quietly licked his ice cream, he heard two people walk his way - Ah, the two other first-years. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. They hadn't said anything during the announcement and Noya was getting a tad bit nervous.

"Sorry," both of them apologized simultaneously, bowing at the same time. The libero's brows rose up in surprise. I mean, he expected Tsukishima to apologize - Despite the tall blonde's ability to be an asshole, he was still mature and had morals - but he doesn't remember Yamaguchi doing anything.

Nishinoya stared at the taller boys in front of him. His nervous, thinned lips slowly curved into a grateful and happy smile. He nodded slightly at the underclassmen as they stood back straight.

Well. Their apology was probably the most normal. But that was fine. They at least accepted him for who he was-

"We can buy more ice cream-"

"Oh my God, _get out of my sight_ ," Noya groaned, his smile slipping out of his face as he shoved his face onto his hands.


End file.
